Helping Teens Develop Their Own Convictions

Spring 2023/Matthew McDill

My sixteen-year-old son and I were having a catch-up session when he informed me that he was interested in dating someone. He was bracing himself for my reply because he knew that most likely I would not encourage him to enter a dating relationship at this point in his life. As the conversation progressed, the dynamics of the decision became clear: he wanted to date a young lady, and he had to figure out how to convince me or get around my view of it. When I realized this, I asked him what he would do if I said, “Go for it!” I also asked him if he had prayed about this and what he thought God wanted him to do. At first he thought that if I didn’t oppose him, he would date her. But then he realized that he wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do.

It was helpful for me to temporarily remove myself from the process so that he could work through his own convictions. I want him to wrestle with God about it instead of me. What he wants to do or what I want him to do should be secondary considerations. What really matters is what God wants him to do.

I told him that I had no interest in managing his life. My ultimate goal is to help him learn how to follow Christ. So I suggested that this situation was a great opportunity for us to talk about how to seek the Lord and pray about these types of things. I am thankful that my son responded with eagerness to engage in that process with me. We had reset the entire conversation. I was no longer the roadblock to his agenda, resulting in arguing and conflict. Instead, I was appealing to his desire to follow the Lord and functioning as his coach in doing so.

I have often made the mistake of pitting my conviction against my teen’s desires. When they really want something, this turns into conflict. When they are lazy or passive, they just go along with whatever dad thinks. Either way, my teens are robbed of the opportunity to practice their own discernment of what is right and wrong. The author of Hebrews states it this way:

“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:14)

Many young people end up leaving their home without having the opportunity to learn to seek the Lord, understand His Word, and develop their own convictions. As a result they are at a great and dangerous disadvantage. 

So how will I proceed in my conversation with my son? Over time, I have developed a set of principles for seeking the Lord and understanding how He is leading me. I’m going to go over these with him. If you are or will be parenting teens, I encourage you to try to articulate biblical principles about discerning God’s will when you talk with your kids. If you want a jump start on thinking through that, you can find my principles in chapter 12 of my book, Loving God: A Practical Handbook for Discipleship. Here are some questions I suggest:

• Am I willing to follow God’s will in this matter, even if it is not what I want to do?
• What scriptural principles are relevant to this question? Do I need to study more on this subject?
• Have I spent significant time in prayer seeking God about this question?
• Have I worked through any feelings of pressure or impatience? Will I wait until I am clear about God’s leading?
• Has the Spirit convicted me of any sin related to this question? Can I sense His peace moving forward in a particular direction?
• What desires and abilities has God given me that are relevant to this question?
• How has God worked in my circumstances to lead me concerning this issue?
• Have I sought the counsel of godly leaders and others in my church? What do they have to say about it?
• What are the pros and cons surrounding this question? What makes the most sense from a biblical perspective?

Giving our teens room to develop their own convictions is much more challenging and risky in the short term. In some ways, we feel that we are not in control and that our children may choose to do things that will harm them. Here is a reality check: We are not in control anyway. If our teens really want to do something, they will figure out a way to do it even if we don’t allow it. We’ve also got to remember that the consequences that come from bad decisions are how we learn and grow. 

Now, I’m not suggesting that there are no house rules that we should require our children to conform to whether they like it or not. We certainly have those in place. But since our goal is to raise mature, Christ-following adults, we’ve got to provide the opportunity and context for them to “have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” The best time for teens to practice their powers of discernment is while they are still at home, so that we can disciple them through the process.