I won the argument. My kid slouched away, deflated. Victory was mine. Except I’d lost everything that mattered.
Our goal as Christian parents is not simply to raise well-behaved children. Our goal is to raise Christ-followers. That requires more than outward obedience. It requires personal understanding, conviction, and faith that is real in a child’s own heart and life.
Many children learn how to follow the rules while they live at home. The harder question comes later: What happens when they leave? If faith has only been enforced through authority and consequences, it often fades when that authority is removed. Real faith cannot be borrowed from parents. It must become personal.
This is why parenting must gradually move from discipline to discipleship. As children grow—often around ages eleven to fourteen—parents must increasingly rely on influence rather than control. That transition can feel confusing because both discipline and discipleship may still be needed at times. Yet discipleship depends on something discipline alone cannot produce: relationship and trust.
If we want our children to listen to us, learn from us, and eventually follow Christ for themselves, we must intentionally build the kind of relationship that supports discipleship. Here are several practices that have been formative for me as a parent in building that relational foundation.
- Treat Them with Respect
There were seasons when I would yell at my kids. I usually won the argument. They eventually gave in or walked away dejected. I won—but I lost. I did not win their heart, their trust, or their respect. And they probably missed the lesson altogether.
God gives parents real authority, but Scripture also warns us not to use that authority harshly. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). How is anger provoked in others? How do we avoid this? “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Tone matters. How we correct matters. Children are people, not projects. We can instruct and correct without humiliating, belittling, or overpowering them.
At the same time, respect does not mean permissiveness. It means recognizing that authority is meant to serve, not dominate. When children experience correction that is firm but respectful, they are far more likely to receive it. When correction becomes harsh or demeaning, it may produce compliance—but it erodes trust and closes hearts. And a closed heart cannot be discipled.
- Listen to Their Thoughts and Feelings
One of the easiest traps in parenting is turning every conversation into instruction or correction. I have watched children begin to tell a story—something they were excited about or something that mattered to them—only to be interrupted by a parent who questioned, commented, or corrected before the story was even finished. The child shuts down. Over time, they hesitate to share at all.
Listening is more than hearing words. It is giving a child freedom to express thoughts and feelings without immediately being corrected. That does not mean every thought is right or every feeling should guide decisions. But thoughts and feelings are real, and acknowledging them is a way of showing respect.
I remember times when my younger children wanted to tell me something silly or a story that took forever. It didn’t seem important to me, and I felt like I didn’t have time. But I wanted to communicate something deeper: You are important to me. Your thoughts matter. I have time for you. I believed those truths needed to be established early—so that later, when the issues were heavier and the questions more serious, trust was already there. Listening builds influence. And influence is essential for discipleship.
- Spend Time Together (Just for Fun)
Some of my kids’ favorite memories are not lessons I taught but games we played. We made up wild games when they were younger—one was called stack-seek-and-scare. We turned off most of the lights. I’d stack all the kids in a pile, run away, and hide. They would come looking for me, terrified, because they knew I was going to jump out and scare them. They’d scatter, I’d chase them down, and we’d pile up again, laughing and screaming. They still talk about those games.
Now we play board games, shoot basketball, sit around drinking coffee, laughing, and talking. Fun changes with age, but it never stops mattering. Children need to know that their parents enjoy them—not just manage them.
Fun also creates space for real conversations. When children feel relaxed and connected, meaningful discussions often emerge naturally. Time spent together builds relational capital that will be drawn on later, especially during difficult conversations in the teen years.
- Work for Their Good, Not Your Convenience
It is easy for people in authority to use power for selfish reasons—even parents. We may want our kids to be quiet or compliant, not because it is best for them, but because it is more comfortable for us. Fear, people-pleasing, and even codependence can also subtly shape parenting decisions.
Love asks a different question: What is truly best for my child? Scripture teaches us that love is sacrificing ourselves for the good of another (John 15:13). Are we willing to sacrifice comfort for their good? Are we willing to say no when it is necessary—even when it is hard?
Over time, children begin to recognize whether parents are acting out of love or convenience. Even when they don’t get what they want, they can learn to trust that their parents are working for their good. That trust becomes essential when discipline gives way to discipleship.
- Tell the Truth and Do What You Say
Discipleship requires credibility. If children do not believe us, they will not trust us. If we do not do what we say, our influence erodes. I have seen kids roll their eyes when parents promise something because experience has taught them it probably won’t happen. I have also seen children quietly discount what parents say because stories are exaggerated or facts are regularly bent. These patterns may seem small, but they undermine trust over time.
This also means being willing to apologize. Parents do not lose authority by admitting mistakes; they model humility and integrity. We should avoid making promises we cannot keep and resist hypocrisy in both word and action. Truthfulness builds a foundation for trust, and trust supports discipleship.
Relationship Is the Foundation of Discipleship
Building these kinds of relationships does not happen overnight. I learned many of these lessons slowly, and sometimes painfully. Changing patterns of interaction—especially with children at different ages—can feel difficult and urgent at the same time. Yet I discovered something encouraging along the way: children are often resilient and forgiving. New relational patterns can be built. The earlier we begin investing in relationship, the stronger our influence will be. But even in the teen years, it is not too late.
If our goal is to raise Christ-followers, then relationship is not optional. It is the context in which discipleship becomes possible—and, by God’s grace, fruitful. God has entrusted our children to our care. He knows our limitations and the challenges we face. But He has also promised to provide all the grace we need to accomplish His purposes (2 Corinthians 9:8). As we seek to build relationships that support discipleship, we can trust Him to guide us, strengthen us, and work in the hearts of our children in ways we cannot.
