The One Career Question You Should Never Ask Your Teen

Just a century or two ago (and in many cases, much less), the idea of career choice barely existed. The vast majority of young people had their vocational decisions made for them. Young men either entered the family business—whether that be farming or shop-keeping or practicing law—or were set up to train for a job chosen by their parents as an apprentice or student. Young women might also help in a family enterprise but, of course, were mostly expected to marry, keep house, and rear children. Except in the occasional case of exceptional talent, very little thought, if any, was given to the preferences of the young person in question; the focus was on ensuring he or she was provided a steady and stable way to earn a living and support a family.

I find this historical reality a fascinating contrast to modern society, which has elevated the career decision to a mystical, almost spiritual, experience, akin to falling in love or finding a soul mate—a choice to be made with the heart and not so much the head. As a result, parents tend to be very hands-off in questions of vocation, expecting their teens to simply have a gut insight into their true selves and the right path for their future.

There’s certainly great benefit in giving young people more autonomy over the decisions that will shape their adult lives! I know I am grateful to have had those choices myself. But I wonder if we haven’t lost some of the old wisdom along the way. Choosing a career path is an eminently practical decision, and future happiness hinges much less on the appeal of the work and more on its potential to provide and support the lifestyle a person desires. Parents have a wonderful role to play here, both in helping their teens envision the life they want for themselves and in helping them understand whether and how a given career is a good fit for that life.

Why You Should Never Ask, “What Do You Want to Be?”

Career conversations should never start with the career. I know that sounds all wrong—but hear me out.

We are not our jobs. Making the career (and, by extension, the choice of college major) the focus of your initial conversations sets the choice of career as the prime decision, the only real thing your teen needs to know about himself or herself. ”What do you want to be?” sends the message that if your student gets this decision right, everything else will fall into place. You and I both know that’s not remotely true.

Instead, reframe the discussion; the choice of career is not the ultimate decision. The choice of life is. Now, for most teens, having a stable income that provides materially for themselves and their family will be every bit as important as it was for their great-great-great-grandparents. And ideally, they will like their work as well. But in our modern world, many other factors may also be part of the package. This could include anything from living where they want to live to how they structure their time. In this way, our teens have even more choices than we did a mere 20 or 30 years ago.

So instead of trying to make the choice of career the one penultimate decision, treat it as part of the whole package. Ultimately, the career exists to support your teen’s desired lifestyle. It should fit into the rest of your teen’s life, not the other way around.

Questions for Daydreaming about Life

Teens are notoriously bad about living only for the moment. Even ones who are inclined to think about and plan for their future tend to have tunnel vision toward a certain (yes, often career-related) goal. But you have the benefit of having been around the sun a few extra times. You can see the bigger picture, all the things that together make for a fulfilling life. Your primary goal is to help your kid see them too.

Envisioning a dream life requires a level of introspection that might be new and even scary to your teen. It’s okay to take it slow and make these conversations as low-pressure and organic as possible. This isn’t a job interview! You’re not trying to get to the answers so much as you’re encouraging your child to daydream.

Try asking some of the following to get your student’s wheels turning:

• 你最喜欢的学校科目是什么？你认为你最擅长哪门科目？
• 您的爱好和兴趣是什么？您通过爱好或其他活动培养了哪些技能？这些技能在职业环境中有何用处？
• 您最优秀的个人品质是什么？别人会如何描述您？
• 什么样的工作环境对你有吸引力？
• 您喜欢与他人合作、独立工作还是介于两者之间？
• 您喜欢充满变化和刺激的快节奏环境，还是更喜欢安全稳定的环境？
• Do you want to work indoors or outdoors? Do you prefer to be on your feet or behind a desk?
• 传统的时间表（周一至周五，9 点至 5 点）是否更适合您，或者您会考虑（或更喜欢）其他时间表？
• Do you want to travel for work or work from home?
• Do you want to be your own boss, manage other people, or just be a team player?
• 您设想自己的生活方式是什么样的？
• Do you want to live in the city, the country, or the suburbs?
• 住得离家人和朋友近对您来说重要吗，或者您是否愿意搬迁？
• Do you want to be married? If you want to have children, do you envision a particular life for them, for example, being homeschooled and having a stay-at-home parent?
• 你需要灵活性吗？例如，你是否希望边工作边旅行、兼职，甚至暂时离开职场去养家糊口？
• 您需要多少收入才能维持这种生活方式？请务必考虑您最终想居住的地区的生活成本，这可能与您现在居住的地方不同。

Think of this as an ongoing conversation, not a problem to solve. Throw in one or two of these questions at a time, especially if they already make sense in the context of something else you were discussing. Let your teen talk, and ask lots of follow-up questions. When in doubt, “Why?” can be a very effective question. Your only job here is to be curious.

As I said, choosing a career is an eminently practical process, mostly because once you know what you want your life to look like, it’s pretty easy to begin narrowing down which careers will fit into and support that life. There are plenty of practical ways you can help your teen explore specific careers that are a fit for his or her interests and aptitudes. But they will be much more effective if you lead with this process first and continue it even while looking at the more technical aspects of selecting a career. Keeping the career decision in the greater context of your teen’s wider life is vital to helping him or her create the life that makes them happiest.

Whitney Cranford Crowell knew she’d reached peak homeschooling when she bought a custom nine-foot by six-foot bookcase with matching ladder and still didn’t have room for all the books. She lives in her childhood home outside High Point with her husband of twenty-four years and their fourteen-year-old son. Their daughter and first homeschool graduate is a National Merit Scholar at The University of Alabama. Whitney is the founder of Launchpad Consulting, a career and college coaching firm. She can be reached at whitney@yourguidancecounselor.com.